Things to know about premature ejaculation

Funmi Akingbade

A man is created to be the head of his household, but when anything threatens that authority, a man must fight it with all his energy. Premature ejaculation is considered as an aberration and here are important things to know about it, to help you overcome it now without further delay:

PE is the release of spermatozoa before the wishes of both sexual partners.  In other words, with the condition, there is the release of sperm cells in the vagina before the man or woman is ready.

Weak erection, weak ejaculation or erectile dysfunction can almost be described as similar to PE. The difference is that with weak erection, the man goes soft or completely flaccid and weak, while still at the level of imagination and arousal or while still on active service. The challenge is majorly about the physiology of erection and all the organs involved in the interplay of erection.

But with erectile dysfunction, the penis cannot perform as required or cannot do more than required, such as the penis going for more rounds of sexual intercourse at any point in time. This could be due to lots of reasons which could be placed under some categories.

Here are some important things to know:

Organic category: Cases that fall under this category are mainly due to faulty functionalities of some organs leading to some backfiring effects on the penis, e.g. hypertension, diabetics, ulcer, and problems with the prostrate leading to low libido or poor libido and so on. Problems with the urethra, anxiety of performance, and so on. Problems with depression; recently, it has been recorded that many husbands are more depressed than their wives. And when a man is depressed, he loses his erection and also his ability to perform regardless of any stimulation and enhancers.

Substance category: Cases that fall under this category are mainly due to the use of substances. Such cases could be as a result of smoking, consumption of alcohol, too much consumption of artificially brewed drinks, too much consumption of synthetic and processed foods, such as sugar and the like.

Environmental category: These cases are mainly due to excessive unavoidable stress condition, age, unhealthy marriage life, that is characterised by unforgiveness, anger, vengeance and hatred.

Lifestyles category: These have to do with issues surrounding eating habit, general unhealthy lifestyle, such as getting infected with sexually transmitted diseases, addictive masturbation, anal sex and others.

If there is one sexual problem that can threaten and has threatened the existence of a good marriage, it is PE, weak erection and erectile dysfunction. Some wives may sometimes put up with husbands with small penis sizes, especially when they have mastered the art of staying on longer inside their women and giving them pleasure. But when a man [especially with a small penis] cannot get his lady to ask for more, it is a sign of big trouble.  The truth is that if that happens, there are two possibilities: it is either she gets satisfaction from another man (it could be your driver) or gets out of the relationship.

It is a direct attack on the man’s self-esteem. A man who cannot satisfy a woman in bed is in trouble, as he cannot be said to be in charge of the house. If a man has little or no money but he is well endowed under belt and smart with it, he is a winner anytime with his woman. But when a man comes too quickly, wetting the bed instead of holding his wife spellbound in bed, he is not in charge. His ego is likely to be progressively deflated.

Eventually such a man will lose control of the wife. Believe me, I am a woman and I can tell you it is an exceptional, extraordinary, unusual, uncommon, rare and God-fearing woman who will remain faithful to a man who cannot ‘perform’ in bed. Low productivity: When a man cannot perform his role as husband in terms of sexual satisfaction, his general energy level will be affected and there is the likelihood that he will be depressed most of the time and overwhelmed with the stress of what to do. And when depression comes in, a man cannot perform at his optimum level at work. And this can cause a series of problems, including loss of job or slide in the fortunes of the business.

Poverty: When a man cannot concentrate, it also means that he cannot function at his best. When a man is in top shape, he can multitask and generate income from multiple sources but when his energy level is down, his productivity is also at the lowest ebb and gradually laziness sets in, which ultimately brings poverty.

Health problems: Good sexual relationship is not only medicinal, it reduces aging; it helps to increase the production of essential male sex hormones and bring good health. When a man and a woman enjoy moments of unhindered sexual life, they tend to be energetic. However, when a man discovers that he is not up to it in terms of his sexual responsibility, all manner of complicated health problems set in, which can lead to depression.

Spiritual angle:  It is also a sin for a man to fail to perform his sexual responsibility to his wife. Giving money is good but being unable to satisfy your wife is even a greater responsibility. A woman may even be willing to leave a rich man who cannot perform in bed for a poor man who is a dynamite in bed! You had better believe it!

Questions and answers

My husband says frequent sex is not healthy

My husband says frequent sex is not healthy, how do I change his mind? Here is my story. My husband and I have been married for over four years. After our marriage, we had to live in different cities. I was in Port Harcourt, Rivers State, while he lived in Asaba, Delta State. We only met once in every two weeks. This lasted for about one and a half years, though, we got on very well and our sex life was fantastic.

Thereafter, I got a job in Ibadan and we started living together. Ever since, our sex life has gone bad. Whenever it comes to sex, we argue a lot. Our sex life has become a way of releasing tension. Nowadays, I am lucky if we have sex once in a week. Even then, I would have to beg him, on my knees. He only consents after he has had a couple of drinks. It is so frustrating. If I try talking to him about it, he gets defensive and says he believes that sex should just come naturally. He would then add that planning for it or learning about it makes it artificial. To make matters worse, our lovemaking ends abruptly, with him ejaculating within a few minutes and rolling off to sleep and snore. We rarely cuddle after that. We usually go to sleep or get up to do something else. All these I can manage, but the one I desperately need an answer to is the fact that my husband says frequent sex is not healthy. How can I make him believe otherwise?

Mrs. Seriously Disturbed

Most of the e-mails I get are usually from men, although some also come from women who muster the courage to share their problems with someone they have never met. This is the reason I try to always respond to such questions. My intention is to always reward the courage displayed by such women and also lend a helping hand.

I find your case intriguing, particularly that you have to beg your husband for sex. Most times, this type of complaint comes from men. However, I must confess that this is a problem that I mostly come across in my mails and during seminars.

I think many couples find themselves in this type of situation because they do not know that it is common for passion to ebb in relationships. As I have written here on many occasions, no matter how much we may think we are in love, it is normal for passion, and even lust, to ebb. Couples must learn to notice when this is happening and take proactive steps to remedy the situation.

When a marriage is young, it is normal for couples to devour each other at a moment’s notice. Moreover, this usually happens without either of them having to make extra efforts. This is wonderful while it lasts. Afterwards it is natural when it stops happening to both spouses. At this point, both partners have a choice, either to watch their sex life go downhill or learn how to create passionate sex, which takes a lot of effort and time. Fortunately, the effort is so richly rewarding with pleasure, excitement and surprise, that such couples will wonder why they had not done that before now!

Therefore, on this score, your husband is wrong to have thought that sex should not be ‘planned or learnt. Sex is good when it is spontaneous, but then what should a couple do when it ceases to be? Sex, like any other human activity, can be planned and learnt. Moreover, drinking lots of alcohol before sex does not increase sexual performance, it only increases sexual desires and most times, the after effect of the alcohol drains off energy for good performance.

Having said that, it may be difficult to offer advice to you without having the full details of other non-sexual factors that may be responsible for your husband’s behaviour. Some unaddressed factors may be predisposing factors to such behaviour. Sometimes, the attitude, actions, comportment or hygiene of a spouse can make the other spouse to stay off sex.

One of the main challenges of a typical African marriage, especially in Nigeria, is that couples do not create leisure time for their sexual harmony. A typical couple knows how to work, make money but not how to take time off and learn how to flavour their sex lives. Make time for each other, at least, once every week: no family, no friends, and no business. You must learn how to set aside several hours where the focus would be you, your mate, your relationship and your sexuality. You need this to stoke up the fire of your sexual passion. It may or may not include sexual activities, but it should always be sensual, intimate and fun.

You can also watch good movies, particularly romantic movies with your husband. While I frown on pornographic films, I encourage couples to watch any of the videos prepared by sexologists and made to improve couples’ sex lives. It is also a way to bring spark to one’s sex life.

While I know that your husband may show little interest in all these since he says that it is not good to plan for sex, I am sure he would be interested to know that sex does not have any adverse effect on health. It is indeed very beneficial to one’s health. In fact, a recent study claims that sex may be the best form of experience after all.

Funmi, how do I know if I am close to having an orgasm as a wife?

I wanted to ask how I would know if I am close to having an orgasm? There are times when my body tightens up in a way that seems similar to when my husband has orgasms. However, it’s not followed by a sense of release or uterine contractions. Do you think this happens when I’m on the way to having an orgasm? Are other women experiencing the same?

New bride

Yes, I think you’re on the way to orgasm when that happens. Building tension is a key component of heading toward climax. But the arousal may not have increased enough to get you over the edge to release.

There are really two ways to look at orgasm: physiologically and experientially. Let’s look at each.

First, the physiology of an orgasm by medical professionals and scientific researchers says it is the build-up and orgasm through physical characteristics — that is, what’s actually happening in your body. Leading up to a climax, the blood vessels in the genitalia dilate, meaning that a woman’s vulva will swell up. The inner vaginal lips will become two to three times their normal size. The blood flow can also cause the body to have a flush, particularly on the neck and chest. Rate of heartbeat, breathing, and blood pressure increase and when on verge of having an orgasm, blood flow causes the lower area inside the vagina to become firm. A wife’s breasts may swell, the areola of her breasts (shaded part around the nipples) flattens, and the clitoris pulls back from the pubic bone. The climax, however, has not happened until rhythmic contractions occur.

There is actually a lot going on, and you’re almost certainly not aware of all that as they are happening. It is likely that your husband will not also be fully aware either, as you are both hopefully caught up in the passion of the moment. Experientially, the female climax has certain features most wives recognise, but it can also be individual. One wife may flush a lot and another, not so much. One wife may feel her pulse strongly, and another isn’t aware at all. One wife may feel the contractions strongly, and another less strongly.

Here is a list of what some other wives’ experiences looks like

1. Increasing leg twitches, a feeling of warmth in the whole pelvic region, and a build-up of tension similar to the build-up before a sneeze.
2. Legs start twitching and the leg muscles automatically become tense. The pelvic region in general will become tense and there’s a feeling of warmth or tingling. And then there’s the wave as the tide hits.
3. Some say their stomach drops like on a roller coaster, just before you go over the top, then they have the most peculiar feeling to hold perfectly still and not breathe.
4. Some say there is a very intense feeling in the clitoral area that builds up. All their muscles tense up. This continues till they can’t take it anymore and then the release comes.
5. Some experience the good feeling of what is happening intensifying and it gets more and more intense until they can’t take it anymore, then it comes like an electric explosion.
6. Some say they feel a lot of pressure, but it’s pleasurable. It’s warm and tense in the clitoral area. Sometimes, they say their body shakes a little bit. Breath comes in gasps. Muscles tense up right before it happens.
7. Some say it is a strange sensation that starts from the pelvic region and travels up the left side of their spine, to the brain — then, fireworks. Then the leg twitches, and sometimes they feel something “like a pelvic sneeze.”
8. One wife in particular says: “I feel like I’m moving closer and closer to something amazing—good sensations everywhere and everything feels so good and much more intense. When it happens— it feels like ‘fireworks exploding in my brain and all over my body.’
9. Some say it is a tingling, tickling, spark-like sensation. They also feel swelling in that area and stimulation at times feels like it’s too much to handle. They also complain that they cannot keep their hips still… then it feels like a runaway train or fireworks that go in every direction in the end.
10. One said: ‘I can no longer focus on what I’m doing (like kissing or touching his back).
11. Another one said mostly it seems like my toes just curl up and I feel just warm and fuzzy, nothing real intense, but my breathing stops, and I just feel so close and connected with my husband.

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